Photos of Yard and Pond, Late March

I'm attached to this kind of weather... strange, huh? It's a love/hate relationship. It's my birthday. But when I was a kid, I didn't like this weather because we could not go outside and play. I know, get out the violins... Plus, I was always sick this time of the year.

Quote That Says It All (for me)

From The New Atlantis A Fable by Francis Bacon
"That whosoever is unchaste cannot reverence himself...
That the reverence of a man's self, is, next to religion, the chiefest bridle of all vices."

You may be wondering, "what is she talking about?" Well, I struggle with a few vices of my own, as I'm sure many of us do. And I wonder, "why is it so hard to change my bad habits?"

So then I read the above quote. (My grandma gave me a whole set of books called The Harvard Classics. This is the first book I am reading of the set.)

I think, "I must not reverence myself." And it's true that most of my life I've struggled (terribly) with a hollowness inside, sort of like low self value.

So then the other part of the quote, the first part. "Am I unchaste?" Is that why I can't "reverence" myself?"

You may not want to hear this, but I don't care really, it should not be kept secret. Secrets bring shame. Probably around the age of 4, I remember being molested by a relative. It went on for about 5 years probably, before I got the courage to avoid situations which may lead to it, at all costs. Even if it meant speaking out... something that was soooo difficult for me at that age of 8 or 9. I really can't remember exact numbers.

So YES, I had my chastity taken from me at a very early age. Which caused me to feel shame, fear, keep secrets, loss of control... Loss of reverence for myself.

To this day, I've little control over my bad habits.
I temporarily became a control freak for a while, and a perfectionist...

Both lead to self destruction.

But hey, sorry for all the doom and gloom.
I feel duty bound to put the issue in the public awareness when the opportunity strikes. Writing about it is much easier than talking directly to people about it because people generally are a little uncomfortable around the subject.

I'm going to end this post then post another with some pictures from around our house.

Starting New Blog - artaxis.blogspot.com

I've finally started my other blog, artaxis.blogspot.com, this is where I will put most of my artwork. I will use designthingsordaydreams.blogspot.com for more personal thoughts and communications.

If I Promise To Be Good?

Theresa and Matt, guess who misses you?

Beautiful picture of Granny and Conrad!

Welcome to our driveway in March.

This penguin is one of my favorites by Conrad.

By Lea... Two Little Tea Drinkers

and also... Birdhouse Peeper

Remember THIS

We celebrated St. Patrick's Day with a traditional "Reuben Party", yesterday. And I forgot I wasn't really a well practised drinker anymore. I proceeded, completely unknowingly, to drink myself into oblivion. It was not until I tried to go through with my nightly routine of computer time and reading, that I knew I was seriously messed up.

I feel like such an idiot, I looked like one to my kids probably too. Lea saw me throwing up and didn't know what to think. She was probably worried. Maybe she won't want to drink - ever - with that image burned into her memories. I've never been so sick, and sweating soooo much, could not stand up without nausea, could not even lift my head without nausea, could not lie down without nausea. What a pleasant three hours I spent in my bathroom last night. It felt like an eternity.

Never again.
But I've said that before.

A Good Idea

I have an idea. I think we should challenge each other to make all handmade stuff for exchange gifts this year.

We are all crafty, so I know we could do it. It would probably be a big stress reliever.

We could post pictures of works-in-progress, and finished items. But never let on who it might be for. I'm thinking Maureen, Mom, Theresa and myself. It would be cool if we used the blog to help other people do the same thing.

If people are totally not crafty, they could pick this time to learn a new craft. We do have PLENTY of time before Christmas, after all!

Remember This

You know the old saying, "Keep your chin up!"...

Well I have learned this is completely wrong, you literally have to keep your chin down. My physical therapists taught me the "chin tuck". It has made a huge difference in my feeling better. My head feels more balanced and the back of my neck feels stronger.

It's not only an exercise or stretch, it is the proper way the head should be carried in every movement throughout the day.

It just feels right, try it.

Some Paintings

The colors here are not accurate, but pretty close...

Makes me want to do another one.

Old Self Portraits

This is my first self portrait I painted in college. I still have it hanging around because I like it. In fact, I have all my old paintings hanging around because I like them. I have my new ones hanging, too, so everywhere I go in my house is my artwork.

I love it! Actually I just can't afford to buy real artwork...

Cheap decorating!

This self portrait is done in prismacolor pencils and chalk pastels. I did it toward the middle of my college career.

I like it, too.

I think I'm a little biased...

Revelation of Self

Okay, so I had some time to myself today and it was quiet. I started humming. I think I started humming because my physical therapist sings to himself all the time. I was thinking about all the fun stuff I've been doing. Really its been work, but its on my terms for the most part. And its work I enjoy.

So I started thinking about how much I liked using hearts and positive words in my artwork. I know quite a bit about using positive thinking to achieve pleasant changes, but never have much luck using it. And I thought, "What if I just sang, randomly, positive words to myself all day?" So I started doing just that.

It felt like I was singing "my song" for the first time in a long time. My emotions are mostly controlled by my surroundings, 95% of the time.

Then I decided to do my stretches. I am in physical therapy for chronic neck and shoulder pain. I found myself imagining diamond shapes of varying colors in concert with the counting I was doing for my stretch. Kind of a continuation of singing my song. It put me in a totally different place than I have ever been.

Usually I pull in my stretch too much. I don't really relax, at all. I'm just stretching that muscle. Today I found myself centered in the core of my brain. I could feel myself there as I imagined the diamond colors. And instead of focusing on the muscles, I could focus inward, and let go of those muscles I was stretching. When I changed stretches, my focus returned to normal thought. I could put myself into a state of relaxation, by focusing on those shapes. Sometimes I visualized them coming toward the center of my forehead. Sometimes they were more generalized in the front part of my brain. And then the deepest relaxation came when I visualized them coming from the very deepest part of my brain, going outwards.

This was so new to me. I thought, "No wonder I am always tired and sore. My focus is so much out of my core, that every motion expends huge amounts of energy. When I feel in my core, my head feels balanced, and my whole body feels relaxed.

After finishing my stretches, I tried to keep that feeling in the core of my brain. I was able to bring the feeling back even when my kids got home. My emotions have never felt so balanced. It's almost peaceful.

The colors of the diamond shapes seem to follow my level of relaxation. Going from Red, to pastels of blue, the more I centered myself. Sometimes the shapes were candy cane striped, or black and white polka-dots. I tried to control it, to go in the direction I wanted. But it didn't always work. To make the colors more relaxed colors, I thought about the blood in my body, being red, but also purple and blue. Then I could envision the more fleshy colors. Pink and transparent.

It's hard to explain how I feel about this. I feel like I have been trying to reach this spot for about 30 years. The first 10 years, I didn't know how messed up I was. The next 10, I didn't care. The 10 I'm just coming out of, have been a roller coaster of fun and fear, and trying to "fix" myself.

I hope I have finally made progress.

Strange Dream

I have strange dreams every night. I have read that it can be very insightful to record them over time. My dreams are so long and vivid that I could never keep up with the recording. I used to exchange dreams with my best friend, Tressa, on the bus when we were in Junior High. It was always interesting. Here is one...

I was with an unfamiliar friend, we looked into an art consignment shop on a busy street unknown to me. We thought it would be cool to take a class there.

Back in my (unfamiliar) dream home, for some reason my husband and I decided that this stranger/friend had to die. It was a tough decision - she had a small child. I couldn't do it, someone else had to. It was accomplished. We regretted it.

This stranger/friend came back from the dead within an hour or two. I was relieved, but then I realized we had to hide the death of her child. She was frantically looking for him. We made a half-hearted effort because we knew the truth. Miraculously, my husband found the child in a box and brought him back to life. The friend was so happy - then they left. I remained fairly unemotional in this dream, I think I knew it was a dream. Plus, the proper emotions would have been too strong - I would have woke up.

But then I had a problem. I wanted to find this consignment art shop again. I walked the streets looking, but in the wrong direction. It took another person, a teenage boy, to steer me in the right direction. Together we found the shop, but I was too late. The owner could not accommodate me. Too bad, he had beautiful works there.

I thing that was the end. I wasn't too discouraged. I think I knew I had other resources.

First and Foremost

I really don't know what I'm doing creating a blog. I should be creating artwork. I should be creating a healthier life. I should be creating more engaging activities for my children. I should be creating some sort of routine to organize my chaotic household. Shouldn't I?

I know the "shoulds" can get in the way of life sometimes. But knowing that is one thing. Changing my habits, a little more difficult.

I think blogging will be fun. I like using the computer. I like journaling. Not so sure about the rest. I hope my sister will visit my blog site so we can stay in touch a little better.

I am excited to post some pictures of the funny things my kids and pets do. Also, the beautiful views I sometimes get photos of. Also, sharing my artwork and designs. Blogging should connect me with a much larger group of people who share my interests, right? Even if its only a few connections, its more than I share right now. So happy blogging for me!