Quote That Says It All (for me)

From The New Atlantis A Fable by Francis Bacon
"That whosoever is unchaste cannot reverence himself...
That the reverence of a man's self, is, next to religion, the chiefest bridle of all vices."

You may be wondering, "what is she talking about?" Well, I struggle with a few vices of my own, as I'm sure many of us do. And I wonder, "why is it so hard to change my bad habits?"

So then I read the above quote. (My grandma gave me a whole set of books called The Harvard Classics. This is the first book I am reading of the set.)

I think, "I must not reverence myself." And it's true that most of my life I've struggled (terribly) with a hollowness inside, sort of like low self value.

So then the other part of the quote, the first part. "Am I unchaste?" Is that why I can't "reverence" myself?"

You may not want to hear this, but I don't care really, it should not be kept secret. Secrets bring shame. Probably around the age of 4, I remember being molested by a relative. It went on for about 5 years probably, before I got the courage to avoid situations which may lead to it, at all costs. Even if it meant speaking out... something that was soooo difficult for me at that age of 8 or 9. I really can't remember exact numbers.

So YES, I had my chastity taken from me at a very early age. Which caused me to feel shame, fear, keep secrets, loss of control... Loss of reverence for myself.

To this day, I've little control over my bad habits.
I temporarily became a control freak for a while, and a perfectionist...

Both lead to self destruction.

But hey, sorry for all the doom and gloom.
I feel duty bound to put the issue in the public awareness when the opportunity strikes. Writing about it is much easier than talking directly to people about it because people generally are a little uncomfortable around the subject.

I'm going to end this post then post another with some pictures from around our house.