Revelation of Self

Okay, so I had some time to myself today and it was quiet. I started humming. I think I started humming because my physical therapist sings to himself all the time. I was thinking about all the fun stuff I've been doing. Really its been work, but its on my terms for the most part. And its work I enjoy.

So I started thinking about how much I liked using hearts and positive words in my artwork. I know quite a bit about using positive thinking to achieve pleasant changes, but never have much luck using it. And I thought, "What if I just sang, randomly, positive words to myself all day?" So I started doing just that.

It felt like I was singing "my song" for the first time in a long time. My emotions are mostly controlled by my surroundings, 95% of the time.

Then I decided to do my stretches. I am in physical therapy for chronic neck and shoulder pain. I found myself imagining diamond shapes of varying colors in concert with the counting I was doing for my stretch. Kind of a continuation of singing my song. It put me in a totally different place than I have ever been.

Usually I pull in my stretch too much. I don't really relax, at all. I'm just stretching that muscle. Today I found myself centered in the core of my brain. I could feel myself there as I imagined the diamond colors. And instead of focusing on the muscles, I could focus inward, and let go of those muscles I was stretching. When I changed stretches, my focus returned to normal thought. I could put myself into a state of relaxation, by focusing on those shapes. Sometimes I visualized them coming toward the center of my forehead. Sometimes they were more generalized in the front part of my brain. And then the deepest relaxation came when I visualized them coming from the very deepest part of my brain, going outwards.

This was so new to me. I thought, "No wonder I am always tired and sore. My focus is so much out of my core, that every motion expends huge amounts of energy. When I feel in my core, my head feels balanced, and my whole body feels relaxed.

After finishing my stretches, I tried to keep that feeling in the core of my brain. I was able to bring the feeling back even when my kids got home. My emotions have never felt so balanced. It's almost peaceful.

The colors of the diamond shapes seem to follow my level of relaxation. Going from Red, to pastels of blue, the more I centered myself. Sometimes the shapes were candy cane striped, or black and white polka-dots. I tried to control it, to go in the direction I wanted. But it didn't always work. To make the colors more relaxed colors, I thought about the blood in my body, being red, but also purple and blue. Then I could envision the more fleshy colors. Pink and transparent.

It's hard to explain how I feel about this. I feel like I have been trying to reach this spot for about 30 years. The first 10 years, I didn't know how messed up I was. The next 10, I didn't care. The 10 I'm just coming out of, have been a roller coaster of fun and fear, and trying to "fix" myself.

I hope I have finally made progress.